My little sister just confessed she tried to kill herself last month when she took those 19 sedatives! It's been in my worst nightmares for long and it almost came true. I'm never there where I should be, never! I shouted but I had no voice and cried for real once in a year. It comes on cycles, the pain. It's been cathering up for all this time, polluting me, steeling the space from all the other feelings of mine. Finally all that black poison is leaving my body. Perhaps I will become right again. I wont have to hide from life and the real problems in it, I can concentrate on livin again.

I'm sick. Again. I hate it, I'm sick all the time it seems. I have had so many things now that are making it impossible to start any exercise regime so it is starting to really piss me off. Today I got so cold when I came back home in the ran. Yet again I was wearing too little for this weather: A white t-shirt and yellow blouse, black jeans and a spring jacket (a very light one) and black ballerina shoes.

There has got to be a reason why I don't seem to be able to pick up any sports activities in my life. I loved sports when I was in junior high and high school too. Anything we did I was egar to do. Now, it seems, I'm unable to get up from my couch. I love groupsports and sports that are somewhat competitive. I like realxing sports, xhausting sports, almost anything.

Perhaps the answer to my lazyness is that I really need something that I do in a group. I should go to a gym and start in an aerobics class. First I have to get the money for that, but that'll be just fine in the end of this summer. Before that I think I should try to pick up running again, and streching daily too.

I really need to find a boyfriend. I hate being alone here and it is even more so 'cause my dog is at my parents' place. I have quite a few guys I'm interested in. One lives in America in Michigan, one is in Jyväskylä, one in Joensuu and one in Turku. I just am not sure if they interest me enough. My friend is going to introduce me to her boyfriends friend. Can't wait to see this guy who apparently talks a lot and has good physique.

I want to buy these two jeans from Gina Tricot. One are black and teared from the front (hopefully I can buy the size 26) and the other are black too but whole. Gotta get them soon. Ther'll be my skinny jeans.

I've been so totally unalble to do anything lately exept lying in bed all day after school or during weekend. It's been utterly horrible because I do not know what causes it. Perhaps there are things that I've left undone that are now haunting me. Anyways, I weigh now 55,5 kilos. Great, closer to my net goal of 54 kilos. Gotta sort these things out as soon as possible.

I've always had a sweet tooth, love anything sugary and sweet. I managed to eat two meat pastys (300 cals a piece) and a strawberry pastry (another 300 cals) and two ice-creams (300 each). I have to try to improve that tomorrow. Last time I was surviving on 500 cals per day Inoticed that when I ate less for a month my crawings disappeared, food becme just a necessity and even apples were almost too sweet.

I wish I could go back to that. Now I think it is unwice to do that for it was a little bit too strick of a diet.

About my little sister. She got mad at me when I wasn't able to console her tonight. She told me she is very hurt because her ex whom she broke off of decided to take another girlfriend and apparently told my sis this was permanent. My sis is dating another but their relationship has coolled down alot. So now she is telling me she should have broken up with her current girlfriend and went for her ex when there still was a chance. And plus this she had taken 19 sedatives when you are only supposed to take four, tops.

Why does she have to make things so difficult???? I hate it when people make things more difficult when they are. And I feel bad for not being able to help her, I could only feel irritation over her being yet again so messed up.

Damn how long it has been since I was here last time. So much has happened.

Most importantly I got to my first weightgoal of 54,0 kilos. Then I went home and my grannys for the Easter holidays (a week) and they decided that I had lost weight and gotten too thin. Right. Can't believe how fustrated I was when they forced me to eat all the food they gave me. And there was lots of it. Blummeted back to weighing 57 kilos. I hate it so and hate them too for forcing this on me. Can't even tell how much! It is after all my body and I have right to decide what I eat, when I eat it and how much.

So after getting back to my place I couldn't stop eating sweets. To solve this I have to stop eating them for another two years as I did earlier. Why did I ever strart again. Noticed I eat way too much sweet and have gotten addicted to the sugar. For some reason it does something to my skin so that it doesn't look even anymore.

I have to try to reach the goal of 54 kilos again. If I hadn't been forced to eat so revoltingly much I could have been setting myself a goal of 52 kilos now. Shit! Gotta come up with more self discibline and get better at keeping my own head when the home gang tries to force me to eat more then I want.

Plus to all that my sister says she as lost so much weight she weighs about 48 kilos. I hate her double moral. Like she can weigh under 50 kilos and look thin but when I weigh 52 kilos and look thin I'm sick. What the hell?!?!?!?! So now I know I can't trust her on these issues 'cause she wants me to stay fatter then she is and obviously tryes to make me think I'm too thin and sick when I'm getting lower BMI's then she is. She wants to beat me on being the thinner one of us and she plays dirty.

Just whatch me. I'm gonna get thinner and stay that way too. Stop yo-yo dieting and become permanently under 50 kilos. Hah, just wait and see you mongrels.