There has got to be a reason why I don't seem to be able to pick up any sports activities in my life. I loved sports when I was in junior high and high school too. Anything we did I was egar to do. Now, it seems, I'm unable to get up from my couch. I love groupsports and sports that are somewhat competitive. I like realxing sports, xhausting sports, almost anything.

Perhaps the answer to my lazyness is that I really need something that I do in a group. I should go to a gym and start in an aerobics class. First I have to get the money for that, but that'll be just fine in the end of this summer. Before that I think I should try to pick up running again, and streching daily too.

I really need to find a boyfriend. I hate being alone here and it is even more so 'cause my dog is at my parents' place. I have quite a few guys I'm interested in. One lives in America in Michigan, one is in Jyväskylä, one in Joensuu and one in Turku. I just am not sure if they interest me enough. My friend is going to introduce me to her boyfriends friend. Can't wait to see this guy who apparently talks a lot and has good physique.

I want to buy these two jeans from Gina Tricot. One are black and teared from the front (hopefully I can buy the size 26) and the other are black too but whole. Gotta get them soon. Ther'll be my skinny jeans.

I wish I could go back to that. Now I think it is unwice to do that for it was a little bit too strick of a diet.

About my little sister. She got mad at me when I wasn't able to console her tonight. She told me she is very hurt because her ex whom she broke off of decided to take another girlfriend and apparently told my sis this was permanent. My sis is dating another but their relationship has coolled down alot. So now she is telling me she should have broken up with her current girlfriend and went for her ex when there still was a chance. And plus this she had taken 19 sedatives when you are only supposed to take four, tops.

Why does she have to make things so difficult???? I hate it when people make things more difficult when they are. And I feel bad for not being able to help her, I could only feel irritation over her being yet again so messed up.

Most importantly I got to my first weightgoal of 54,0 kilos. Then I went home and my grannys for the Easter holidays (a week) and they decided that I had lost weight and gotten too thin. Right. Can't believe how fustrated I was when they forced me to eat all the food they gave me. And there was lots of it. Blummeted back to weighing 57 kilos. I hate it so and hate them too for forcing this on me. Can't even tell how much! It is after all my body and I have right to decide what I eat, when I eat it and how much.

So after getting back to my place I couldn't stop eating sweets. To solve this I have to stop eating them for another two years as I did earlier. Why did I ever strart again. Noticed I eat way too much sweet and have gotten addicted to the sugar. For some reason it does something to my skin so that it doesn't look even anymore.

I have to try to reach the goal of 54 kilos again. If I hadn't been forced to eat so revoltingly much I could have been setting myself a goal of 52 kilos now. Shit! Gotta come up with more self discibline and get better at keeping my own head when the home gang tries to force me to eat more then I want.

Plus to all that my sister says she as lost so much weight she weighs about 48 kilos. I hate her double moral. Like she can weigh under 50 kilos and look thin but when I weigh 52 kilos and look thin I'm sick. What the hell?!?!?!?! So now I know I can't trust her on these issues 'cause she wants me to stay fatter then she is and obviously tryes to make me think I'm too thin and sick when I'm getting lower BMI's then she is. She wants to beat me on being the thinner one of us and she plays dirty.

Just whatch me. I'm gonna get thinner and stay that way too. Stop yo-yo dieting and become permanently under 50 kilos. Hah, just wait and see you mongrels.

Had a date with the guy. We went to watch the Watchmen and despite the movie he was just as dull as the last time. After last time I thought I should give him another chance 'cause he told me he was so nervous that he wasn't quite himself back then but as it turned out he wasn't any different at all.

I sort of am a little bit homesick, miss my mom and my sis and the food there. Though back home I've got to be one thing to mom and another to my sister. It is like you've to change who you are constanly, whenever you are with eighter of them.

Since their breakdown I've felt like both of them need a different version of me to be able to vent their feelings out. Sometimes though I feel like it is selfish of them to feel that way, to make me take sides on every matter they disagree on. Hate it.

Finally when it felt like things were starting to settle and the lost feelings find their way back, something had to happen. Frankly I was supposed to have a date with a guy but he blew me off for the third time in a row. And I thought he liked me (can't really tell wether or not I liked him too because of the lack of feeling).

I expected to feel upset about it but nothing came about. I tried to sulk over it. Am I supposed to feel bad about something like that?

And then there is the excrutiating hint of feeling that I'm really missing on something important here. There is something bothering me but I can't get a hold of it. How should I phrase it. I'm in a constant state of feeling perfectly ok with everything. Nothing touches me too much, to one side or the other. Just the same porridge every day and it starts to get me all numb.

In accretion I sort of shift in and out the present reality. Mostly I hide in the safety of my own mind and halfheartedly listen and observe the things happening around me.

There is a surface there but I can't burst thorough it. Only my sis is able to get me somewhat out of it for a while but at what cost. I miss her so.

So, I'm puzzled about the various thoughts seering thorough my mind. I "suffer" from EDNOS, an eating disorder of a sort.

I know when I am 167 cm tall weighing 58 kilos isn't bad at all, but the kilos don't present themselves so easy on me in the mirror. My sis says I am sick wanting to be thin and not understanding that I am thin already (well she is sicker so I tend to think she is just jealouse at me 'cause I already look thin to her). My ultimate goal is to weigh 45 to 47 kilos. Grazy, huh. I think that I do look good, but if I were thinner and more fit I would look even greater.

When I think back, I've always disliked food. Haven't ever been too into food exept for apples and sweets. It wasn't as bad when I was under 12 yeas old, didn't think too much about it. In my early teen's this thing developed to it's full form. Nowadays I have probably dieted about 10 times, elapsed and gotten fat again. I am an emotional eater and more over eating makes me feel bad about myself.

Don't want to become anorexic because I value my health at least that much, but in my worst days it seems I don't mind it anymore.

Anyways, belive it or not, I'm going to try my best to loose like a ton of weight from this day on to August when I'm going on a trip to a place where most people are not fat. Can't look like this amongst those people so wish me luck in my effort. Do not say I am doing the wrong thing, won't listen to you.

My first goal is to reach 54 kilos by increasing the amount of daily exorcise to half an hour a day and eat about 1000 to 1500 calories a day. (Healthy at the beginning and going to go worse as progressing).

Let's see how it goes

Nice figure, smoothe lines, not too obvious bones (not a fan of bones).